So today in traffic, I was sitting at the robot and I looked to my right and there was quite a lovely looking man in the Isuzu bakkie next to me. He had these lovely square rimmed glasses on, was tall and solid - just how I like them (I sound like a predator). He had a nice face and he smiled back at me.
We then pulled off and travelled together down the road, at a lovely pace. As we neared the next robot, he started to roll down his passenger window, I saw him looking for something in his centre console - a business card - and in that moment I felt a wave of panic - a complete and utter wave of thoughts... "Im not good enough", "Im not ready", "Im not perfect", "He will be so disappointed at the reality of me". It was jarring to feel that - to have that wash over me. I think I am strong, I am brave, I can take over the world, I am great - what a catch. But I don't really think that.
I think Im not enough as I am. And yes, I am doing loads of work on myself from a physical perspective but what became immediately clear was that I need to do some serious internal work - because as long as I hold these beliefs I will never be open to being with another person. And that is sad.
So we parted ways, I didn't get his card, I lost an opportunity. And I burst into tears at the thought that I am so completely not brave enough. Why couldn't I take the chance? Whew - this book on vulnerability is really an eye opener - I am not gonna get anywhere without being vulnerable.
True.
As you begin to make those changes, it becomes easier. I still have those "I am a loser" days, though, but I have the tools to excise them now. Be brave on your journey. It's awesome that you're doing it for you.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing Kat!
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